Twenty-Five completely untrue things about Slippy Lane

1. Slippy sees time differently from you. He is born in the future and dies in the past, living backwards through time as the rest of you stroll blindly on. Your future is his memory, your history lies ahead of him. He can never know whence you come, but he knows what lies ahead of you.

2. Slippy isn't ripping off Benjamin Button. It's different. Besides, I thought of it after, which, when you really think about it is technically before so I should TOTALLY be suing the people who made that. Totally

3. Slippy was born of the unholy union between a flock of sentient great space-geese and a wandering fertile comet. This dark bonding brought forth the power to lay great space-goose eggs, and also to throw snowballs into eccentric solar orbit.

4. Slippy makes a GREAT space-goose-egg omelette.

5. In the Dark Empire of the Sentient Space-Geese, Slippy is worshipped under the name Chef, Devourer of the Young, Wielder of the Whisk of Doom.

6. When Slippy throws a snowball with his unerring aim, then in about 70 or 80 years, you'd better duck.

7. Contrary to popular belief, Slippy neither slept with Marilyn Monroe, nor shot JFK

8. He did, however play the part of "Meteorite Crater X-17B" in the faked moon-landing film.

9. In the distant past, an old and withered Slippy (see item 1) taught a young Chuck Norris all he knows, including how to live backwards through time. This is why Chuck Norris cannot be killed.

10. Slippy will eventually be instrumental in having Chuck Norris crowned Emperor of the Seven Chapels, Ruler of the Known Worlds.

11. Slippy doesn't like pink concrete.

12. Slippy actually lives a 9-dimensional existence. In dimensions 6 and 8, he can see your underwear.

13. The way he remembers it, Slippy kept all the Unknown Worlds for himself.

14. Slippy once attended a drag race at Santa Pod wearing an aerodynamically tuned beehive wig and sporting V12 Nitromethane powered stilettos. He won.

15. Slippy is the holder of the secret truth that ALL geese are sentient, it's just that the ones that live on earth are REALLY stupid. And vicious.

16. Earthbound geese do NOT recognise Slippy as one of their own.

17. Slippy stays away from geese.

18. Slippy does NOT like the bird sanctuary on the Isle of Wight. THEY LET THEM WANDER AROUND FREE TO ATTACK AN INNOCENT WANDERER GOING ABOUT HIS BUSINESS OF WORLD DOMINATION.

19. Contrary to rumour, Slippy is NOT bent on world domination.

20. Honest, he's really not.

21. Slippy is on the run from the Intergalactic Library for non-payment of overdue fines, and also for eating the young of the head librarian. Yes, the library was run by geese, couldn't you figure that out for yourself by now?

22. Slippy is not evil, he's just misunderstood. Just don't look in the basement 'k?

23. Slippy does NOT eat babies. Nowhere near enough meat. He prefers to eat their parents.

24. Slippy does a lot of great work for charity. Without his tireless efforts, the orphanages would be empty.

25. Oh no, they're here. No, not down there. Don't go in the basement! Damn it, I told you not to go in the basement. Now look what you made me do. Well I'M not cleaning it up.